In other words, you can expect a whole lot of stuff like a door opening slowly and then something jumping out while a loud noise is made. This is one of those movies that relies on every cliché in the B-movie book. When B-movie characters like her prance around with a huge chip on their shoulder, I usually pray for some sort of creature to sneak up and bite that chip right off. My first choice was the Jennifer Lopez wannabe. She eventually was only accenting about one word per sentence, but by the climax she started fakin' it up with reckless abandon! And I'm sure plenty of girls will think Johnny "Five O'Clock Shadow" Messner is pretty hot, but for the most part you'll spend the first 10 minutes of the movie picking which characters you want to see swallowed whole by a giant anaconda. But why do producers insist on accents being so fake? Her accent dwindled as the movie went along. My money says you really won't care about anybody involved in this production. He died soon enough, so it doesn't really matter. He looked like Gregg Rainwater from The Young Riders. Some other guy of some sort of foreign descent was thrown in there as well. But hey, we've got everything else!" And that, my friends, is your cast. Now how about somebody who's actually famous?" "Um, well, we don't exactly have that. He's in wardrobe right now having the sleeves on his tight shirt rolled up." "Perfect. And I saw that you found a white European male, but how about the protagonist?" "Oh, you mean the muscular white guy with a 2-day beard growth and husky voice? Check. She's from Georgia, but her accent sounded too realistic. How about a blonde babe with a thick, fake Southern accent?" "Check. That'll alert everybody that he's not one of those brainy Asians. It wasn't easy, but we found one with a mullet." "Perfect. Did y'all find that tough-looking Asian guy?" "Check. How about a Latino woman with an unnecessarily bad attitude?" "You mean the J-Lo wannabe? Check." "Good. Who is Morris Chestnut?" "Well, we thought it was a brand of chewing tobacco, but he's actually who we're gonna use as our tough black guy." "Oh, OK. Don't wanna be accused of stereotyping." "Good idea. But let's put a tough black dude in there as well. All right, I've kept this secret, but I actually sat in on a production meeting for Anacondas and here's how it went down: "Annoying black dude who just screams the whole time?" "Check. Bring the crackers because mama, this movie is bringin' the cheese! If there has ever been a more culturally diverse group of no-name actors to brave the jungles of Borneo then I'll end my movie reviewing career right now (future users of the Alan Smithee pseudonym applaud).
0 kommentar(er)
